Today I came across this verse while reading a blog about adoption. I so needed this reminder and I literally cried when I read it. So good for my heart today. "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14. It's been a rough week for me. Just so many realities that this journey to grow my family isn't looking anything like I had ever imagined. I've had a lot of convictions about not making the most of my opportunities to mother the son I DO have well, all while I've been so concerned about the next *potential* child down the road. I don't get these moments back, which just led me into a puddle of tears last night. I can't believe I have an 18 month old already! Time is zooming by.
The most recent update in our journey to grow Team Pagel is that Matt and I are seriously pursuing adoption at this point. We submitted one application to an agency, only to realize that they require the money up front, which just isn't possible for us. Most agencies won't allow us to continue to pursue adoption if I were to become pregnant, so this is where I am finding myself becoming anxious. Matt and I both agree that we will pursue adoption while continuing to pray that we will get pregnant on our own. If God wants to close the doors to adoption, then He will. But we feel like we are being called in this direction. We always talked about adopting, but never assumed it would be because of months and months and months of unsuccessfully getting pregnant on our own. I've researched countless agencies, and I currently have a new favorite that I will be receiving information from in the next few days. They are located in Arizona, which is huge! And small world, but the lady I talked to from this agency knows who I am because she went to Cornerstone, and she knows who Matt is because her son went to school with him. We would so covet your prayers for us in this area. Adoption terrifies me. The cost, the home studies, the paperwork, the months of waiting to be placed, etc. The average wait time to be placed is 18 months to 2 years for most places. And I am reminded that the waiting I've already been doing has only just begun, because I have months up to years of waiting to still do if we adopt. Anyways, Matt and I will likely decide within a month if this is something we will pursue, so I'll keep you posted. Giving a child a Christian home would be incredible.
Anyways, I just so needed the reminder to "Wait on the Lord!" When I'm on the otherside of this waiting, I will look back and I will say that I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I believe that, because I have said that so many times in my life already. God has been so faithful to me and has blessed me despite my unbelief at times that His plans are best. But I can't count how many times God's timing and plans have been ten times better than what I was originally praying for and how I have thanked God for many unanswered prayers.
It's time for me to buckle up and wait. Time to stop worrying about how I'm going to get there… God is a Master planner. I can sit back, relax and find joy in the waiting.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
4th of July!
Wow… for once I will be posting pictures within a week of them actually happening! :)
For the 4th of July, we went to the Ross's house to celebrate the 4th AND Matt's birthday! We had some friends there as well. I didn't get many pics, but I did take a few.
For the 4th of July, we went to the Ross's house to celebrate the 4th AND Matt's birthday! We had some friends there as well. I didn't get many pics, but I did take a few.
We went to Sonic for some Limeaids and used this time to grab a pic of the two of us.
I bought some glow sticks from Target's $1 bin! (I love that section!) Jace was interested in them off and on. We went into the pantry to see them glow.
My family! <3
Mick brought some fireworks so he set those off when it got dark. Jace surprisingly really liked watching them. We think he was somewhat scared because he literally peed 7 times (he shakes when he finishes peeing, so it's pretty obvious). But he would do the sign for more and just stared at them!
Celebrating with friends!
This was a pic from last year's 4th of July and this years. Matt wore the exact same thing last year. haha. It's fun to see the changes! Jace actually has hair this year! Win!
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
More of what God is teaching me
Well here goes another post about what God is teaching me. I think I write these more for my sake than anyone else's because I need the reminders and the encouragement for my heart as I write them.
We had a guest speaker at our church this past Sunday, and he preached through Psalm 33 on how to conquer fear. He said a couple of things that just humbled me and made me see where my faith is lacking. He made the statement that for many people, our limited knowledge produces fear; but knowing that God has complete knowledge should calm those fears. He said, "You only know some things, and faith starts where your knowledge stops." So much of my anxiety or stress comes from my lack of knowledge. I don't know what the future will look like, if my family will ever grow, what the Lord has in store for me, and that leads me to be anxious and to fear the unknown. I love the statement he made when he said that faith starts where knowledge stops. It's so true. I just need to have faith in God's sovereignty and find comfort in the fact that He already knows the outcome. I don't need to know the answers. It is enough that God knows. The last verse of Psalm 33 says, "Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you." The Psalmist is asking for blessing to the same measure of his trusting in Him. Wow, what a prayer! If God's love was dependent upon the measure of how much I trusted Him, I would be a lost cause.
Another thing I can't get off my mind is the sermon by Voddie Baucham http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=525141455405. (Thank you, Ally, for sending this to me). I have listened to this sermon twice in the last week and have cried multiple times both times I have listened to it. I plan to listen to it again this week. I am not a crier usually when I listen to sermons, but this one just so encourages/convicts my heart that I can't help but cry. It was one of those sermons that I felt like could have been written for me specifically in this moment of life.
I've also been reminding myself about a statement I read in Psalm 145 about the Lord being "kind in all his works" and just applying that truth to trials.
I read in 2 Chronicles 20 about the Israelites being worried about a great horde of people coming against them and that they didn't know what to do, so they fixed their eyes on God. The Lord told them to not be afraid or dismayed by the great horde because the battle was not theirs, but God's. He told them they did not need to fight this battle and that all they needed to do was stand firm, hold their position, and see the salvation of the Lord on their behalf. This passage again brought me to tears as I was telling Matt about it. It was just such a good reminder for me to fix my eyes on God and to be still. I always feel like I need to be doing something and really all I need to be doing is trusting God.
Well, I think I officially win the award for the most posts that are all over the place. Hopefully you were able to follow along. Sometimes it's so hard to communicate what God is teaching me.
We had a guest speaker at our church this past Sunday, and he preached through Psalm 33 on how to conquer fear. He said a couple of things that just humbled me and made me see where my faith is lacking. He made the statement that for many people, our limited knowledge produces fear; but knowing that God has complete knowledge should calm those fears. He said, "You only know some things, and faith starts where your knowledge stops." So much of my anxiety or stress comes from my lack of knowledge. I don't know what the future will look like, if my family will ever grow, what the Lord has in store for me, and that leads me to be anxious and to fear the unknown. I love the statement he made when he said that faith starts where knowledge stops. It's so true. I just need to have faith in God's sovereignty and find comfort in the fact that He already knows the outcome. I don't need to know the answers. It is enough that God knows. The last verse of Psalm 33 says, "Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you." The Psalmist is asking for blessing to the same measure of his trusting in Him. Wow, what a prayer! If God's love was dependent upon the measure of how much I trusted Him, I would be a lost cause.
Another thing I can't get off my mind is the sermon by Voddie Baucham http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=525141455405. (Thank you, Ally, for sending this to me). I have listened to this sermon twice in the last week and have cried multiple times both times I have listened to it. I plan to listen to it again this week. I am not a crier usually when I listen to sermons, but this one just so encourages/convicts my heart that I can't help but cry. It was one of those sermons that I felt like could have been written for me specifically in this moment of life.
I've also been reminding myself about a statement I read in Psalm 145 about the Lord being "kind in all his works" and just applying that truth to trials.
I read in 2 Chronicles 20 about the Israelites being worried about a great horde of people coming against them and that they didn't know what to do, so they fixed their eyes on God. The Lord told them to not be afraid or dismayed by the great horde because the battle was not theirs, but God's. He told them they did not need to fight this battle and that all they needed to do was stand firm, hold their position, and see the salvation of the Lord on their behalf. This passage again brought me to tears as I was telling Matt about it. It was just such a good reminder for me to fix my eyes on God and to be still. I always feel like I need to be doing something and really all I need to be doing is trusting God.
Well, I think I officially win the award for the most posts that are all over the place. Hopefully you were able to follow along. Sometimes it's so hard to communicate what God is teaching me.
Monday, June 30, 2014
He is a Pagel
So I was at Barb and Denny's house this past weekend and we were looking through photo albums. I have never seen pictures of Matt as a baby. Um, I was floored. There were so many pictures where I saw a mini-Jace in Matt. And then we got to some pics of Mick…. and I was even more floored. He looks more like Mick than he does Matt--even Barb and Matt thought so! So for anyone who thinks my son looks like me, take a look at these pics! You'll change your mind! He is a Pagel through and through. (Although he has my hair!)
The ones on the Left are Matt:
The ones on the Left are Mick:
Monday, June 23, 2014
Just some verses I've been meditating on...
We had a guest pastor at our church yesterday (Rick Holland) and he preached from Romans 5 on trials. It was such a timely message and it pretty much summarized everything that God has been teaching me about trials during the last 9 months. It was so awesome to hear the same points being made from the pulpit that the Holy Spirit has been revealing to my heart just through my Bible readings the past few weeks. I highly recommend listening to the sermon if you have a chance. You will find yourself encouraged. You can find it at www.gbcaz.org.
Anyways, I have come to realize the necessity of meditating on Scripture. I typically have about 4 verses that I hang on my fridge that I will meditate on for a month or more. There are other times where I will pick a day and meditate on other various passages as well. This past Thursday I was looking for a verse to mediate on specifically in regards to this whole process of trying to get pregnant with #2. I am so easily overwhelmed by this trial. I am finding the joy in the trial though because I am seeing God's work in my life so evidently that I'm left humbled. I was telling Matt on Saturday that I am so thankful for this trial in that God is growing me so much through it, but that I am so ready for the trial to be taken away. At the same time, I don't want the growth to stop, and He is using this trial to sanctify me. It's a catch 22.
I came across Psalm 77 on Thursday and it is one of those passages where I literally just wrote 'WOW' in the margin of my Bible. The whole chapter was just so convicting and I found myself relating to the Psalmist.
The Psalmist starts off by saying that he is troubled so greatly and is so weary that he is having a hard time being comforted. He is having a hard time meditating and he is so troubled that he can't speak. He recalls times where it wasn't this way. But then his "spirit made a diligent search" (vs 6) and this what he asked himself/realized: (vs. 7-13)
"Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?
Then I said, 'I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.'
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy."
The phrase "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High" just blows my mind. When the right hand of God is mentioned in Scripture it is always done so with power. When I consider the years of God's hand over me, I'm humbled. Like the Psalmist, I need to remember God's ways and recount the blessings He has given me. I need to ponder HIS ways. Like the Psalmist, I am inclined to ask the same questions… Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion? But I can't let those thoughts cast doubt. God works everything for my good. He doesn't promise a life of peace. In fact, he says "and WHEN you face trials of various kinds"… it's not a matter of if, but a matter of when. And as the Psalmist concludes, God's way is holy. It is perfect.
Later on in the chapter the Psalmist goes on to mention how the waters tremble before God, that the clouds pour out water and the His arrows flash on every side, that his lightning lit up the whole world and the earth trembled and shook. He says that God's way was through the sea, and his path through the great waters; "YET YOUR FOOTPRINTS WERE UNSEEN" (vs. 19). During the trials, during the storms of life, I have a hard time seeing God's purpose behind it. I can't always see how He is working. But just because I can't see His footprints doesn't mean He isn't there and sovereignly ordaining each event that comes into my life.
One of the verses hanging on my fridge is Psalm 112:6-7 which reads, "For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord." I read this and was so convicted. I am moved by this trial of not getting pregnant. While I still pray for God to remove this trial from me, I have also come to pray in a different manner as well. I so desire to be this righteous person who isn't moved by the trials in his life. I find myself asking for the help to be this person who isn't moved by bad news because I trust in the Lord. I realize I still need help in this area. With another failed month, I find myself in tears. I'm still moved by bad news. Where is my trust in God? I have to be so diligent to take my thoughts captive. We aren't naturally inclined to joy and contentment when trials are in our life. It takes effort and intentionality. But God's grace is sufficient, and because sin has no power over us, it is a response that we are always capable of.
Anyways, that's just a glimpse of what God has been teaching me lately. All Scripture is useful for teaching, correcting, rebuking, and training in righteousness--how good it is for my heart to be spending time in the Word.
Anyways, I have come to realize the necessity of meditating on Scripture. I typically have about 4 verses that I hang on my fridge that I will meditate on for a month or more. There are other times where I will pick a day and meditate on other various passages as well. This past Thursday I was looking for a verse to mediate on specifically in regards to this whole process of trying to get pregnant with #2. I am so easily overwhelmed by this trial. I am finding the joy in the trial though because I am seeing God's work in my life so evidently that I'm left humbled. I was telling Matt on Saturday that I am so thankful for this trial in that God is growing me so much through it, but that I am so ready for the trial to be taken away. At the same time, I don't want the growth to stop, and He is using this trial to sanctify me. It's a catch 22.
I came across Psalm 77 on Thursday and it is one of those passages where I literally just wrote 'WOW' in the margin of my Bible. The whole chapter was just so convicting and I found myself relating to the Psalmist.
The Psalmist starts off by saying that he is troubled so greatly and is so weary that he is having a hard time being comforted. He is having a hard time meditating and he is so troubled that he can't speak. He recalls times where it wasn't this way. But then his "spirit made a diligent search" (vs 6) and this what he asked himself/realized: (vs. 7-13)
"Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?
Then I said, 'I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.'
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy."
The phrase "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High" just blows my mind. When the right hand of God is mentioned in Scripture it is always done so with power. When I consider the years of God's hand over me, I'm humbled. Like the Psalmist, I need to remember God's ways and recount the blessings He has given me. I need to ponder HIS ways. Like the Psalmist, I am inclined to ask the same questions… Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion? But I can't let those thoughts cast doubt. God works everything for my good. He doesn't promise a life of peace. In fact, he says "and WHEN you face trials of various kinds"… it's not a matter of if, but a matter of when. And as the Psalmist concludes, God's way is holy. It is perfect.
Later on in the chapter the Psalmist goes on to mention how the waters tremble before God, that the clouds pour out water and the His arrows flash on every side, that his lightning lit up the whole world and the earth trembled and shook. He says that God's way was through the sea, and his path through the great waters; "YET YOUR FOOTPRINTS WERE UNSEEN" (vs. 19). During the trials, during the storms of life, I have a hard time seeing God's purpose behind it. I can't always see how He is working. But just because I can't see His footprints doesn't mean He isn't there and sovereignly ordaining each event that comes into my life.
One of the verses hanging on my fridge is Psalm 112:6-7 which reads, "For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord." I read this and was so convicted. I am moved by this trial of not getting pregnant. While I still pray for God to remove this trial from me, I have also come to pray in a different manner as well. I so desire to be this righteous person who isn't moved by the trials in his life. I find myself asking for the help to be this person who isn't moved by bad news because I trust in the Lord. I realize I still need help in this area. With another failed month, I find myself in tears. I'm still moved by bad news. Where is my trust in God? I have to be so diligent to take my thoughts captive. We aren't naturally inclined to joy and contentment when trials are in our life. It takes effort and intentionality. But God's grace is sufficient, and because sin has no power over us, it is a response that we are always capable of.
Anyways, that's just a glimpse of what God has been teaching me lately. All Scripture is useful for teaching, correcting, rebuking, and training in righteousness--how good it is for my heart to be spending time in the Word.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
May days!
Here is what we have been up to in May!
Barb and Denny got Jace a trampoline that they keep in the backyard! Yep, a trampoline! It's for all future grandkids! And Jace LOVES it. It reminds me of a dog run, because he literally just wants to run in circles while we run in circles on the outside. It's hilarious. Now that it is starting to warm up, we get the trampoline wet and spray him with the hose while he is on it! It's been a fun outside activity this summer when we are at my in-laws house, which has been almost every weekend.
For Mother's Day and my birthday, we went to church, then to in-law's house for homemade pizza. Before church though, we stopped by Dutch Bros for a free birthday iced tea. Since it was Mother's Day too, they gave us Matt's coffee and my iced tea for free because we had "so many celebrations going on"! One reason why I love Dutch Bros! Later that night, my family came to my house to celebrate birthdays and Mother's Day with my mom! I don't have any pictures from that (they are all on Jenn's camera!).
Here are some other randoms of Jace swimming and playing at my in-laws house the last few weeks.
While Jace napped at my in-laws one day, Matt and I went to the Starbucks up the street for an afternoon date. Starbucks and cards! This is seriously one of my favorite things to do. Sit in a coffee shop and play cards. :) It's a very cheap date. :)
On Memorial Day, we got a blow-up pool for our backyard and we played outside for a bit. Jace didn't love the pool as much as I was hoping. But we will keep trying.
We watched Blake and Kade last week so that Matt and Jenn could go to their small group. The boys loved singing "My God is so big". My son gets too shy to face us when he wants to do the hand motions, so more times than not, he turns around and does them. haha.
Barb and Denny got Jace a trampoline that they keep in the backyard! Yep, a trampoline! It's for all future grandkids! And Jace LOVES it. It reminds me of a dog run, because he literally just wants to run in circles while we run in circles on the outside. It's hilarious. Now that it is starting to warm up, we get the trampoline wet and spray him with the hose while he is on it! It's been a fun outside activity this summer when we are at my in-laws house, which has been almost every weekend.
For Mother's Day and my birthday, we went to church, then to in-law's house for homemade pizza. Before church though, we stopped by Dutch Bros for a free birthday iced tea. Since it was Mother's Day too, they gave us Matt's coffee and my iced tea for free because we had "so many celebrations going on"! One reason why I love Dutch Bros! Later that night, my family came to my house to celebrate birthdays and Mother's Day with my mom! I don't have any pictures from that (they are all on Jenn's camera!).
I love this pic of Barb and Jace
Sisters!
Here are some other randoms of Jace swimming and playing at my in-laws house the last few weeks.
He loves playing with the hose!
Swimming with Uncle Marcus.
We didn't have his suit, so naked it is! This picture just cracked me up!
While Jace napped at my in-laws one day, Matt and I went to the Starbucks up the street for an afternoon date. Starbucks and cards! This is seriously one of my favorite things to do. Sit in a coffee shop and play cards. :) It's a very cheap date. :)
Reading books with Grammy!
On Memorial Day, we got a blow-up pool for our backyard and we played outside for a bit. Jace didn't love the pool as much as I was hoping. But we will keep trying.
His hair is getting lighter and lighter every time we cut it. It has turned from dark brown to light brown/dirty blonde depending on how clean it is. Haha. I'm not too surprised since he took after Matt with so many of his features.
How did I have such a pale baby??
We watched Blake and Kade last week so that Matt and Jenn could go to their small group. The boys loved singing "My God is so big". My son gets too shy to face us when he wants to do the hand motions, so more times than not, he turns around and does them. haha.
National Donut Day for a free donut! YAY!
He seriously has so many faces. I have never seen such an animated kid.
So I found a new group that we have been listening to a lot of! They are called "The Rizers" and it is simply Bible verses in song form. They have some music videos on YouTube that Jace LOVES! He loves to dance to the songs. It makes my heart so happy to see him loving these songs that are just Bible verses and truth! They have 21 songs, and I'm excited to start memorizing verses through these songs too. Good for my heart as much as it is for his. It is our new car sound track. Anything to expose him to God's Word. Plus the tunes are super catchy and Matt and I keep finding ourselves singing them throughout the day. Haha. This is him dancing to one of the songs.
Not a whole lot else going on currently. Just enjoying watching Jace grow! He is starting to mimic words when we ask him to say something. Granted, they don't sound exactly like the word, but he attempts it, which is great. He has learned to say the names of some of our family members, and some random words. Some words I would only know because they sound nothing like the word (Smoothie=Moomoo, Up=ba, All Done=Gaga… but I know he thinks he is saying the words, because those words are the same each time!). He knows many animal sounds (Cow, sheep, dog, cat, tiger, chicken, duck, bee, monkey, horse). He has mastered his shape sorter and can do some chunky puzzles by himself now. His attention span lasts all of 3 minutes at best, so that makes it challenging. But that's just his character! When we say the word "Jesus" he folds his hands to pray (apparently we must say "Dear Jesus" a lot when we pray) and whenever we say the word "God" he does the 'so big' sign with his hands (from the song our God is so big!). We never taught him to do those things, so it's been reassuring to realize that he is in fact hearing what we are saying and taking some of it in, whether he makes it look like he is or not. He LOVES to dance and he has a few songs that are his favorite. He loves "Uno Uno Seis" which is from a Christian rapper--he comes running into the room when that song comes on and just goes nuts! Other than that, He's just a little climber who is into everything and hates discipline (in fact, he found our swat stick and threw it in the trash when I wasn't looking!)
But we sure do love him and we praise God for the opportunity to raise him! It's so sanctifying raising a child.
I am so thankful for my family! I've been blessed beyond what I deserve!
This is what he figured out he can do if he doesn't want to take a picture.
Take 2!
Saturday, May 3, 2014
The House!
Ally, this post is for you, since you asked to see pictures of the house! :)
Here is the laundry room.
I found door knobs at Hobby Lobby that I used for hooks in the laundry room for our bags and purses, etc.
Here is the kitchen!
Here is the Living Room. And Jace working on blanket time. Haha.
This is the entrance to the master bedroom. Our room is a work in progress. We decided to go with greys and purples (ironically Matt's idea!), but besides painting the walls those colors, a couple of pictures we got from Kohls, and a comforter we got off of ebay, that's the extent of the decor. Down the road, we will add to it, which will be fun.
Here is the master bathroom. we kept with the grey and purple theme. I found the towels at Ross, which was a win! I love Ross and Marshalls!!!
This is the office. We had quite a few black and white pictures that we got when we were first married. We never had a place to put them at the last house, so we decided to paint the walls grey in the office and to use them in there! This room is right off of the living room/kitchen, so I'm not sure we will ever use this room as a bedroom. We are contemplating turning it into a playroom down the road, which I think would be fun (and so awesome to have kid toys in one spot!). But we aren't at a stage where I see the benefit of this quite yet with Jace's age.
This is the front door entrance.
Here is the guest bath. It was nice being able to use all the decor from the old house in this bathroom.
Here is the hallway leading to the 2 rooms in the back of the house.
This will Lord willing be a future baby's room. We had 3 walls painted grey, and one left white when we first moved in. Depending on the gender of the baby, we will paint the white wall a different color.
And here is Jace's room! Everything is the same from the last house, except for the 2 pictures above his crib that I found at Hobby Lobby. There were exactly what I was looking for and just happened to stumble upon them one day. Also, he has new grey curtains that block out the light. So necessary.
And here is the back yard. All of this was here when we got it, except the baby swing. Jace got that from his Grammy for his birthday. It's pretty much a blank slate since its just rock and fake turf. No water system or anything. I'm actually really excited to design the back yard and make it what we want it down the road.
Well that's the house! Some of the pictures are dark because of the time of day I took them. But like I had mentioned, I had to clean the house for company so it was the perfect day to take pics! haha. :)
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